And I meant
Every word I said
When I said that I love you
I meant that I’d love you FORVER!
It’s about 5:20 AM as i begin writing this.
I had a dream of dreams.
Premonitions of the Parallel universe. If it makes sense.
I always see HIM!!
I STILL want HIM and he must want me too? UGH, is it true?
I wish he would just come through!
Stubbornness at its finest.
Paper is so long these days.
I really hate tapping on my laptop.
Smartphones end up in failure.
Life is just dead.
When’s it going to happen?
Just saying what’s on my mind.
life. i just don’t get it
ITS CONFUSING #whyareyousocomplicated #itcanbesoeasy #butyouremakingithard
PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING CONFUSING, OR ANNOYANCE #youdumbcunt
BUILT UP ANGER #mymistake #niggadamn
SO MUCH ON MY MIND
Have I just been wasting even more of my time? #aintthissomeshit?
So I was like, No No No, and 2 MONTHS WENT BY! #consequencesBITCH #sweetlillullabys #thingsarechangingaroundheremate
Because I still visualize art with words somehow in a field of drama ANYWAYS
Make it about me, if you want to.
Your ratchet ain’t better than my ratchet, OKAY!
Prescriptions. I really don’t think it’s the answer.
Jane. Jannnne. #llcj #llcooljaydddde
I swear. It feels pointless.
But I try to stay focused.
I know I’m working with it hear, and here
Visual on the prize.
Visual on the prize.
Visual on the prize.
>>>>>> But I am not a rapper.
>>>i’m just making some noise
>>with the words i got spitting at you
>and i’m just typing on my device
>with just words
>listen i got a little flow
glow in the dark
throwing lame bombs
i’m just bored what
else is there to do
but do what it do
where’s my notebook
and a pen
making beats in my head again just words
i think i’m killin IT
like a clown lol
ok i’m done
*****Shoutout to my best friend Chubbz, because he better be in the lab making me a beat. And this weather is NO JOk3! So bundle up. Becau$e I’m going to be making it $NOW!
“Can i Live?” Nah suicide.
They want to see a star die///OK why?///
Bitch has to die// She wonders why?
These white niggas always lie
Want to restraint me of my ALL my rights
ORANGE IS truly the NEW BLACK.
I’m Only trying to be honest with you///But mostly for myself///
These niggas wanna play games with me///and my wholesome//
For fucking why?
FOR FUCKING WHAT?
What the hell//WHO HELL FUCKING KNOWS??//
I’m just tryna live.
THESE HATERS REALLY NEED TO GET A GRIP
Can I Live?
Nah they want me fuck around and see me die
I ask why and they keep on pretending
NOTHING BUT FAKE LOVE /// EVERYWHERE I GO//
they faking it till they make it
Keep stacking on paychecks/
WELL WHERES MY CUT???/// I just want /// MY CUT!!!///
GIMME THEM BUCKS
IT’S THE COOL JAYDDDDE MOTHER FUCKING SHOW!!!! & CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!
I find it funny how everyone has treated me the last few days or shall I say the month of August?! Not only have my Constitutional rights been violated ONCE AGAIN. Everything that I have been working so hard to and ON MY MOTHERFUCKING OWN, shall I add to the motherfucking equation. Everyone else is still playing “THE VICTIM CARD” with Jayde Alise. Why is it that everything that is going WRONG IN YOUR LIFE somehow MY FAULT?! I am sick and tired of hearing a motherfucker complain about who is PAYING THIS/THAT BILL, and who takes cares of so & so’s two kids, when the entire motherfucking universe ALREADY KNOWS YOU HAVE CUSTODY bitch, and guess fucking what?! I STILL DON’T FUCKING CARE! I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU JUST AS MUCH AS YOU WERE GOING TO ALLOW THESE WHITE NIGGERS SEND MY ASS TO JAIL FOR 4 GOD DAMN YEARS FOR NOT WANTING TO PUT UP WITH THEIR FUCK NIGGER SHIT! WELL, HONKY DONKY KONG DOO DOO, FUCK YOU AS WELL! But then, you have the NERVE, the AUDACITY, to tell me that I AM THE CRAZY PERSON IN THE SITUATION? Why? Because I get angry when I say I don’t want to hear some sappy story about what YOU got going in YOUR LIFE! Motherfucking don’t you UNDERSTAND the concept of YOUUUUUUUUU?! Nigga, WTF? I can’t believe these motherfuckers were really going to let me get locked up for 4 years just for not going to court!
YES, EVERY—SINGLE—TIME that I took my ass to court, it went nowhere. I don’t talk to no one. I have a fuckboy Public Defender who, then retires only to give me a fuckgirl Public Defender, then you decided it was OKAY to send me to PRISON FOR NOT SHOWING UP TO COURT because you think you can just change court dates without sending NOTIFICATION then decide to place “warrants” which are fake Bill of Attainders in the first place because they never have an attached affidavit! AHA!
SO WHAT THE HELL is “WRONG” with my approach being so upfront and or sarcastically enough, or fuck it, stoicy, crude, blunt, AWARE, whatever other word you would like to name it. GOD FORGIVE ME FOR BEING ME! I repent to you all. You’re Welcome. So put me out of the misery yourself. I’ve been waiting for the lucky lottery winner. < D.D. > Is it you?
Wasn’t I boring to watch? Aren’t I boring to? I heard the name that a complete stranger called me! I didn’t imagine it! I didn’t have headphones in my ears. I heard CRACK HOE, loud and fucking clear IN A PARKiNG LOT filled with people and the cops. I crossed a busy intersection with the intention that someone was ACTUALLY going to run me OVER! No one did, but they sure were honking, not because I was in the street deliberately causing a commotion, but just trying to walk home. But people wanted to give me the FINGER and call me out on things they shouldn’t have any recolition there of. I swore, I heard machine guns ready to engage at me and made me skip a beat. I saw people come out of their houses and cars just to STARE AT ME and call out to me as if I’m some bad person. Like does my pathetic life really “entertain” you PEOPLE? So I’ve decided, since people want to think Marijuana is causing me to freak out which, I know it’s not, then I will completely stop smoking any and everything. I’ve proved it before and I can prove it again. Because Why are you wasting tax dollars on bullshit and fuckery? And for what fucking purpose? Why did you decide little ole me?! You see, I’m writing to try to get out some of the frustration and anger and mixed emotions that no one ever wants to listen to begin with. So if you really don’t care about me, why is any of this a main concern to “You, the People”? Not really comprehending because you don’t know if I’m telling the truth or not. People are threatening my well being and trying to make me feel like I’m craz when I know that I’m not. I’m not delusional. What is delusional is putting me on medication that only makes the situation worse or causes ANOTHER situation to cause havoc to my already chaotic life.
As I continue to write down RAW & REAL mixed emotions it’s hard to constantly want, in my case, yearning to change the excitement, style, or build up of what I’m really trying yo say, meanwhile hundreds of different words are bouncing in my mind of how I can comprehend that I’m not crazy, and people really want to make me feel miserable. I KNOW WHAT I SAW AND I KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED! I’m not making anything up. If these are the events that are playing out in my life, why doesn’t ANYONE WANT TO BELIEVE ME?! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WILL SOMEONE JUST TELL ME AM I BEING WATCHED OR FOLLOWED AND FOR WHAT REASON! I just made the translation! Why am the chosen person to be stalked an ridiculed and treated with such injustice?! Why am I being told I’m bipolar, when I know I m not. I’m not hallucinating shit. Run me over, will ya? Pull the fucking trigger. Put me out my misery. I didn’t ask to be here, oh to hell with you disgraceful pigs.
I’m being harassed by multiple people, and yet people are accusing me of being some type of criminal? How does this make sense? Disorderly conduct. What the hell is a Disorderly Conduct? According to the Mirriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of Disorderly Conduct is a petty offense chiefly against public order and decency that falls short of an indictable misdemeanor. Almost every state has a disorderly conduct law making it a crime to be drunk in public, “disturb the peace”, or loiter in certain areas. All three reasons, I am not guilty of this unethical and/or imaginable crime. I may have an aggressive voice when I do talk. But understand, I am usually a quiet person. I do not talk to people on a daily basis. Yes, I interact with people, but the situation and circumstances have always been different. However, I have never gotten physical or caused any injury to another person. I, however, have been kicked, punched, slapped, bruised, sprayed with mace while already being handcuffed, beaten with my own property, to be specific, my shoe, threatened, sexually assaulted (because this was all done by MEN), stabbed, robbed, and then put behind bars because I NEVER CAUSED ANY HARM TO ANOTHER SOUL, HUMAN, PERSON, OR BEING! But I am the criminal? I have been attacked by my parents, my siblings, their significant others, the HAMDEN POLICE DEPARTMENT, the MERIDEN JUDICIAL COURT, the NEW HAVEN JUDICIAL COURT, or Curt B. Leng, Thomas J. Wydra, Lyle Bennett, William Onofrio, John Cappiello, John Sullivan, Paul Scarcella, Mike Cirillo, Michael DePalma, Mark Atwater, Mark Katz, Mark Gery, William May, Thomas Conroy, Craig M. Capone, Greg McLean, and Chaylynne Brooks, just to name a few individually. These people have brought false and incorrect “criminal charges” against me, when I am the victim. Which leads me to my next issue. Resisting Arrest. What the hell is resisting arrest? Well, in some countries, resisting arrest is a criminal charge against an individual who has committed, depending on the jurisdiction, at least one of the following acts: fleeing a police officer while being arrested or threatening a police officer with physical violence while being arrested. So let’s be clear, about this. I was probably speaking loudly, however, I never was angry, nor expressed physical violence towards a single person, human, or being close or near me, and I was brought upon these charges. And why is saying that I’m not willing to be imprisoned, “resisting arrest”? Technically, I am not allowing you people to kidnap me, which by definition is to seize and hold a person unlawfully. The HAMDEN POLICE DEPARTMENT are corporate kidnappers.
Here, is my technical issue. I was arrested for Disorderly Conduct because I was loud while talking. Which means I was arrested for expressing and justifying my First Amendment right, according to the United States Constitution. And these “Judicial systems” are calling me a criminal just because of that?! Feel free to reread that again, if you aren’t understanding me clearly!
So not only are these “corporations” exploiting a photograph of me across the Internet abroad cryptic search engines. Again, let me remind you, “for showing emotion while engaging in conversation”. Which by definition is an informal talk, verbal discussion with someone or a group of people, oral communication. But wait, let’s get back to my Constitutional rights. Because let’s face it, that is apart of the law. Well, what good are the rest of my Amendment rights? I genuinely like the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments, which each contain a due process clause. Which by definition means dealing with the administration of justice and thus the due process clause acts as a safeguard from arbitary denial of life, liberty, or property by the Government outside the sanction of law.
Well, these motherfuckers already got 6 unnecessary months from me. And these mother fuckers had the audacity to put me on probation for 2 years after that. For what? OHHHHH, so you can spy on me and WATCH ME DO NOTHING! What is it that I am really doing? Let me know, what I am doing WRONG, so I can know! And stop myself from doing it right now!? So yes, I said FUCK THAT SHIT and told Craig Capone he can file all the dumb paperwork if he wanted to. Keep wasting your time, because my time is so much more precious. Because while he decided to violate an imaginary probationary period of my already fucked up life, I’ve been here chillen by my moody self, and working at a cheesy department store, writing, and working on a professional portfolio which are based off the exquisite goals and dreams I want to achieve in life. But I can’t because corporations are threatening me, my being, my life, my liberty, and my equal protection of law.
Where are my equal protection of the laws? Don’t I deserve some type of protection from the people who get paid to “protect the community”? How is 3 armed men, beating down an unarmed, 5’8″, 215 lb woman, who is already handcuffed and thrown into a sedan, again, for only speaking, getting community protection? Again, I have the proof of how they decided they wanted to handle the situation. By causing me bodily harm and emotional distress. I have been traumatized by these actions, by these actors, also known as police officers. I do not carry a weapon and I did not make any volatile statements or movements. So why was I manhandled like I said, I would blow up the White House with my bazooka? What has been their excuse? Where were their apologies? By sending me to Meriden Superior Court, where they have NO IDEA what really happened, continue setting up continuous dates to proceed with a case that will never get solved. Which is another forced upon corporation of actors, also known as judges, prosecutors, and public defenders. They want to send me to jail, because I refuse to continue playing this game of intellect. I have committed no crime here. I am the victim in all of this. I have been disrespected, mutilated, abused and taken advantage of. Where is my justice?
Last summer, I was falsely incarcerated because I didn’t want to go to court. I still don’t want to go to court. I don’t have to. If I am showing you that I am not doing anything criminal, why are you still pursuing me as a criminal. Especially when I never did anything criminal to begin with. I do not sell illegal drugs. I do not gamble. I do not commit fraud, unlike the United States government. They want to imprison me for using my natural “God” given rights and this is legal, how? Aren’t you suppose to have all of this physical evidence? Well, here is mine…
This is just a crumb off the cookie that the HAMDEN POLICE DEPARTMENT did to me! There is your physical evidence. And who did I, Jayde, assault? Who did i cause a threat to? These police officers, who are “in character”, carry guns, tasers, and other dangerous weapons, that have proven to MURDER people on site. And luckily I have been gracious enough to avoid those possible outcomes, but this is still not right. This is illegal and I am taking a stand! These are the criminals. And no one is going to shut me up. I’m going to personally and individually do what these criminals are doing to me. They are exploting and slandering my being. I am not a criminal nor a danger to society. I don’t have intent or thoughts to harm any other person. I am in charge of Jayde NOT YOU!!! So suck my high yellow imaginary dick on a blood clot day!
I’m about to drive in the ocean.
I’ma try to swim from something bigger than me.
Kick off my shoes. And swim good.
Then I awoke up. I had another dream or premonition. Only this time, I was talking to HIM & HER! We spoke numerous times over the phone. We spoke pleasantly. We spoke with hurt and truth. But we all spoke?! What does this all mean? I can’t remember the entire conversation, but I remember there actually being a conversation. As I woke, I laid there. Not mad, not sad. Confused. Is this really going to happen? Is any of my dreams, going to happen? Why does this man and woman, that I’ve never met seem to interfere with my life? As if, I don’t already have complications already happening… Why can’t I get him from off my mental? Why do I love him, knowing that he’s expressing his feelings to her? JUST WHY? Why me? Why this? Why couldn’t I have stopped him from walking into my life 5 years ago, and prevent this pain? Now I have to deal with it and heartache. I have to deal with constant reminders on a daily basis. I can’t turn on the radio and not let a song remind me about the situation. I hate leaving the house, because of my fear of running into him. I never want to be in a particular part of Connecticut, because I don’t want to chance it, facing my fears. Why me? Why these dreams? Why am I so calm about this? Why do I feel like crying? Why do I want to harm myself? Why do I feel so much more alone? Why do feel that the road is coming to an end? Can I be saved?