Sorry Mama. Sorry Sis.

You’ll never amount to anything.” said Darlene Brazzell on 9/1/2018.

You’re jealous of me. You’ve always been jealous of me.” said Indria Pringle on numerous occasions.

You’re a negative person. You always think negative, no wonder negative things happen to you.” said every person who has ever been in my and walked out of my life.

Damn, my apologies for being brought into a world that I never asked to be in. My apologies for trying to adapt to the life I never even wanted any part. My apologies that my father impregnated you, and left you for another woman. Oh, and I’m sorry that my existence never made him want to stay. I’m so fucking sorry.

Yes, I’m so sorry, that I’m jealous of you. I’m jealous of the fact, that everything was given to you, with no questions asked. I’m jealous of the fact, that you never had to work a day of your life. I”m jealous of the fact, that you started a family at the age of fifteen years old, only to lose custody of your children at the age of twenty-five because you never really had the opportunity of really being a responsible parent. I’m so jealous that you have the perfect body, the perfect weave, the best outfits. I’m jealous, of the fact that you chase a man who fucks other women, right in front of your face. I’m jealous of you, because you enjoy being disrespected by people and don’t truly know how to defend yourself. Yes, I’m so very jealous!

I’m the negative person?! You’re absolutely right. I am a negative person. I’ve gone through and endured so much pain my entire life. Through my family and so-called friends. I was never black enough for my entire family. I was too bougee. Then I became fake, because I distanced myself. But I’m the negative person. I was fat and ugly, and made fun of for holding my head up high and blocking mean people with my confidence. But I have to remember, I’m a negative person. I allowed myself to forgive my father before he passed, because he loved my brothers more than he loved me. I was not the child he wanted, as I was told most of my childhood. But I forgave him anyway. But I’m a negative person. I used to hide cuts and burns that I caused myself to compare it to the pain that I felt inside. Then my mother permanently scarred me for life, but that didn’t matter, because I lied for her so she wouldn’t go to jail. But all that did was bite me in the ass later on when I was twenty-seven. I tried to hang myself. I remember a time when I was alone in my cousin’s house and I had her Glock in my hand and I came close to pulling the trigger beside my head. But somehow I let God in my head. He said I was holding onto the Devil. Yes, that really was a negative situation. But I got myself out of that. I found myself giving feelings to men who only cared about themselves. My accusations about them were always right, and when I confronted them, I was a negative person. So in return, I left. I thought I was liberated, and yet I’m still a negative person.

For the last two years, I’ve been working as hard as I can to get myself out of a predicament that should have all been avoided. I thought I’d try to make amends with the same people who have done nothing but bring me down my entire life. But all that’s done is leave me wanting to hold continuous grudges and remain a complete BITCH!

“You’ll never amount to anything!” is what my mother told me today. Really? I’m the only daughter out of three who didn’t have kids, who has lived on her own, who has always had a job. And I will never amount to anything?! “You’ve always been jealous of me!” Indria, you’re absolutely correct. I am jealous of you. I want to be continuously disrespected by my family and peers. It’s shit that has been said to me for twenty-nine years that has kept me giving my life to God, who said, “That even though you were a mistake to them, you’ll never be a mistake to me. I made you for a reason and for a purpose. Don’t look back. Keep looking forward.”

God got me. I got God. God is blessing me slowly but surely. I love me some God. God loves me. Family, I don’t need you. Because when I needed you, you never knew me to exist. Friends, what the fuck is a friend?! Boyfriends/girlfriends are just temporary attractions. You can be easily replaced. But God. God is love, loyalty, honorable, trust, and my passion. I’m letting go and letting God.

Fuck you, if you’re not willing to understand.

 

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Sorry Mama. Sorry Sis.