Fake Love/Real Hate

Not trying to be funny, sounding like LL Cool J, but it is true. I need love. Why is there so much fake love and real hate out there in the world? Why can’t motherfuckers be honest and real with you? You meet a person and they seem all genuine to your face. But the moment you turn your back, they’re fake as fuck! And I hate that technology gets involved in this fuckery. Texting is the most ignorant way of communicating. Never say what they mean, mean what they say, or use dumbass emojis. I will never know how a smiley face implies as direct conversation or of how you’re truly feeling. Why did it become so complicated for us to have a decent conversation today? When did it become cool to be a habitual liar? A manipulator? A sociopath? This is cool?! This is an abomination, and I want no parts of it. I want for every fuck nigga and punk ass bitch to leave me alone! I want every man to stop begging for my pussy, if you think you’re only going to get one good use of it. Believe me, it’s had EVERY dumb ass coming back, STUCK ON STUPID AS FUCK! Not that I’m broadcasting or anything. But WHAT IN THE FUCK?! There are things that I want and need and with the way the world is working, none of you are right for me. Even as a friend, I want no parts in you. I don’t need to be robbed again, of things that I’ve worked too hard for. I don’t need another knife placed in my heart. Don’t you understand, I’m already a fragile person?! Why make someone hate themselves for being themselves? Don’t kiss me, smile in my face, say & do things to make me think you want to be around, when we both know you don’t. See, my issue is that people think I don’t see the signs and road blocks. I’ve seen them loud and clear and a gazillion times from the bitch or nigga before you. Trust, I am very well caught up! And I have learned my lessons. I’m growing from those lessons. I may still have to shed tears, but these are my tears of the pain and sorrow. And don’t take them as a sign of weakness. Because no, I’m not weak! I’m still a fighter! But I’m fighting in my own way. I’m gaining my old strength back and some new strengths in my process. No one knows my internal exterior, simply because no one has ever been interested. Well one day, someone will be interested. They’re going to want to know all of the whos, whats, whys, whens, wheres, and hows… And hopefully, I will be willing to give them all of those answers. Hopefully, they’ll want me to be an open book, and read between the lines. I hope that they’ll allow me to cry, and not judge a single tear that falls down my cheek. I hope they’ll like every wrinkle in my frown, or how rosy my cheeks get when I crack a smile. Understand that we all have flaws, and that we aren’t perfect, and that we all have a past, but thinks I’m wonderful overall. I want there to be love. Let our souls connect. Our eyes to meet. And our minds to intellect. I want to believe it’s out there. But when all you’ve ever seen is hurt, rage, lies, pain, anger, deception, distraught, and disasters… Can I still believe it’s amongst me?! Is love a real thing? Or is it just another way to make a dollar?

Fake Love/Real Hate

I’m Different

So many ideas. So little time. Added some creative things to this little thing. Haven’t been in a writing mood. But I’ve been in great spirits. Surprisingly enough, I can finally WOOSAH for a moment. Been thinking about getting back into trying the whole YouTube gig. I’m diving for spotters. So far I only have my old trusty AJ. I been thinking about writing a tale about him in my Dyana series, but then again some things should be kept to myself. I rather spare those details for the camera life, if it ever happens. I am back to working on my updated portfolio. Of course, there’s a minor glitch. I found my SanDisk flash drive but my dumbass made all my vaults password protected, and I can’t figure out all of the passwords. Fuck my life! However, I was able to crack some of the codes and I found some of my other stories. Even after digging through a bunch of boxes and found old notebooks too. These stories on my flash drive, were the reasons I started taking my writing more seriously, way back when. So maybe I’ll double my recovery workload on adding more stories, content and blasting my ideas from outer space. Or my secret little world. My mind is on a whole new level. I hope everyone is tuned in to the show…

I’m Different

I Got The Power!

I’m shocked at how things have been turning out. I almost hit the bottom, last week. But then I remembered that I am the shit! I have to remember that I am the shit! I have to have more power in my life. If I allowed everyone to know that they got under my skin, they win. And after watching Laura Govan’s episode of Iylana’s Fix My Life, I’ve learned that instead of wanting to control, I should want to be in charge! Ouuu! Everyone wants control, but don’t want to be in charge! What a fucked up lesson to learn, and on television, eh?! Even though, I knew I was already the head motherfucker in charge, now, I’ve got to prove it. And I’m going to. I finally got myself a new place of employment. *crosses fingers* I have my “relationships” going in the right directions. Yes, no strings or feelings attached. I feel not only a sense of empowerment, but some freedom.

Of course, I do tend to have my setback thoughts and think about that idiot fuckhead. But I’m not going to fall through with my petty impulses. I’m just going to focus on my music, my writing, and my photography. I’m going to focus on the things that interest me. I’m going to stop looking for things that need to come and find me. I’m going to actually start living. I want to live life. Something I never really experienced because I’ve been drowned in utter darkness for so long. But all of that is over. I’m going to free my mind and let the rest follow. *dances to En Vogue*

And If you don’t like the new Cool Jaydddde, guess what, your loss because this Jaydddde is the motherfucking shit and a boss bitch! Watch out for these bad bitches!

I Got The Power!

Premonitions or Lost Vision?

Why is it that when you tell people you are in the position of changing yourself for the good, people have to negify it? Yeah, that’s not even a word? Lol. “You’re switching up!” Or “You’re acting funny!” But when i was already being serious and now that I’ve gotten MORE serious, you can’t seem to comprehend?! *heavy sigh* What stupid vortex dimension have I warped myself into?! And these people try to label this shit with illnesses and say that I’m the problem? No, the issue is that people are fucking idiots and lack common fucking sense. Daily. Which leads to the shallow depths of deception (i.e. alcoholism, addiction, depression, and the all more serious suicide). “Mask Off, fucking Mask Off!

After another one of my weird dreams, I awoke with a bloody nose. The realism of it all. But i must say, I’m realizing that I am doing way better than last year. Maybe it was a reflection of my past misery? Maybe the concurring misery of it all? An ultimate downward spiral…Cocaine. Some thing I miss, at times. Not that i was ever a stone cold killer of it, nor would i let that become a real habit of mines, because it ain’t that great or anything. But i do miss the feeling of being able to further expand my mind with it. Hey, don’t knock it til you try it! *serious Uncle Sam face and finger* It isn’t for everybody. But as my nose was oozing, it just felt so familiar. If I could chug a bottle of vodka at 9:28 am, then I probably would’ve done so. Why do people drive Evalynn to want to come out? I dislike her, because she just doesn’t give a fuck! WOAH! Woosah, Jaydddde… Easier said than done! Because just yesterday I picked up my straight razor, that I usually use to shape up people’s eyebrows, and darted it right against my arm and pressed down very hard. No, I didn’t cut myself! I just made myself flinch, that’s all. But I definitely did consider it. The desperation of wanting to feel actual physical pain, instead of the pain of everything else is PRICELESS! Now, here’s my issue, with this melodramatic dream and the actions I consider driving towards. Why did I dream about something I haven’t touched in an entire year? Why did I wake up as if I did snort a couple of Quaaludes? Maybe I need to stop letting Al Pacino put me to sleep at night and watch something with Lindsay Lohan? Hmmph… Do I subconsciously want to pick back up this habit? Or is this Evalynn trying to fuck with the rest of the bitches in my head, who have been cooperative and maintaining their composure? I mean, what the fuck? Lol.

Doesn’t anyone understand that I’m slowly entering a grave and all I want is for it to end? Put me out of my misery. And yet, I’m still here! No signs of cancer. No brain tumor. Just a strong case of Diabetes and Bulimia. Thank you God. Thank you for prolonging my suffering! And thank you to those in the medical field who think medication is the answer, when it only causes more hell and fuckery down the road. My life is a prime example!

So I hung out with Mike Will Made It, not the actual producer, but that’s what I plugged him into my phone as, when I met him. He’s not even into Hip-Hop, just FYI! But when I talk to him, I know he listens. Correction…He stares and listens! And when he replies with his input, he does it without being aggressive and rude. He’s straight to the point, which is why he somewhat inspired my character Julian. Unfortunately, ‘Consequences’ is complete fiction. And I’m having a strong case of writer’s block. Because I do have the story completed on paper and finished in my head. I just feel that I need to make it more visionary. And then I feel more pressured and more stressed. But then I remember, no one really cares about who I am yet. This is just another dumb blog for me to release the stress with my vivid and imaginative vocabulary. But I want to get it out of the way to gain some exposure as a serious writer. Get published? Who knows?!

Back to the bad case of Diabetes and Bulimia, I have to take my diet seriously. My fast has begun. It’s been a while since, I have deprived myself. Maybe this will help me gain some control over my inner demons. Because let’s face it, food is another addiction! And I’m running low on weed anyways. And I hate who I am when I drink. So I am in need of a three-day cleanse. I’m going to take this weekend and think about my future actions further. I’m going to create interesting plot twists. And I’m not going to take any more bullshit from no one. “So fuck you, Debbie!

Premonitions or Lost Vision?

Fight The Power

Games? No longer into those. Challenges, definitely! Let’s go and bring it on! Anyone willing to come and attack my stubbornness, please let your momma know how to dress you for your funeral ahead of time. You will get creamed. ‘Cause Wu Jaydddde ain’t nothin to fuck with! CTFU! If you are willing to put me in a situation where it has to be debatable, or in ghetto terms, come for me, you will be put in your place. I’m always on my P’s & Q’s, baby. My mouth is icy and sometimes quite reckless. At least lately, I haven’t been hostile about it. *pats back* There’s no need to anymore. I’m good on you. And now I’m going to show you which is better than having to tell you! Because if shit got out of hand, because you’d get into your feelings, because let’s face it, the truth is a hard pill to swallow and if you put your hands on me… My hands will react, and that’s something you definitely do not want! You have been warned! Look, I’m putting it in writing now! I’m being responsible about it. And if it gets recorded, GREAT, even better. I need a LAWSUIT! I need a reason to corrupt pockets just as mine have been. Even this inadequate judicial system wants a piece of me. Let’s go motherfuckers! The internet is a beautiful invention and Google is a great buddy. And after reconnecting with people who know their shit is a great benefit as well. So when I drop that Affidavit, Supreme Court, and delegation of authority knowledge onto their front door step and they attempt to knock me down, I’m not for it anymore! All of it is OVER! And I mean it! After that, it’s the World I want to conquer! Tell Donald I want to be his stylist and give him a pretty black & blue.

Fight The Power

People Really Suck!

What is the point of having good vision when life isn’t clear as day? Judgment. Isolation. Pure evil and Hell! That’s what I’ve seen.

Obsessing Him, reviewing the actions of the petty woman who birthed me, and overcoming my feelings of how I allowed myself to become a complete piece of shit. Your God created me for some completely ignorant reason. What is the lesson here? What is my purpose? Why me? I have, who I am, as a person completely figured out. I don’t need to talk to these people or that person. What is that really doing for me? So I’m talking. Okay, BIG FRICKIN DEAL! But it doesn’t stop me from feeling how I feel. It doesn’t take away what has happened. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to do what I have always felt to be right!

A disease is what The People label it. It’s not okay to feel like that. It’s not normal. Did you ever consider that it is normal for me? Think about it. I’ve been depressed since my teenage years. My first attempt at suicide was when I was thirteen. I overdosed on over-the-counter medication. Yes, cheap medication that you can buy at your local pharmacy. I was even more awkward then. Someone who kept to self and minded my own business. Sure, I had friends but I never talked about it. I tried to suck it up. I smiled and laughed at jokes. Real shit happened. But I still cried every day. I think that I just didn’t want to cry any more. Little luck did that do me! So one day, I raided the medicine cabinet and four days later I wake up in Yale with a pumped stomach and a heavy chest. Of course, I was just a beginner then. It was easy to fool people when they had no clue of who I really was. Lies, are what you suggest. But the doctors are the ones who concluded that my body just overreacted on itself. Woo hoo, I was in the clear to go for it again!

Now we are at many failed attempts. And I still have no sense of purpose. I don’t get the point or memo. Why am I still here? Why are people so quick to judge? Why can’t people have good intentions? You know, do onto others as you would do onto them. Why am I getting out of the blue phone calls instead of the friendly home visits? A real apology. Why do people get jealous and insecure? Why are guys so thirsty to the point that they have to force control upon women? And when men don’t get their way, they are quick to garnish your name all to save face? Why does everyone feel the need to be in control of every single thing? Look at who you idiots elected as your fucking president! This is the dumbest fucking country in all of the world!

How did this become normal to us? How did we allow ourselves to think that the world we live in is okay? It has it’s up and it’s downs but there are far more downs than there are ups and I am disgraced. If our ancestors saw us now, shaking my damn head. I want to use my powers for good. I want to believe we can make it a better place. As of now, I must start with me. Is that Selfish? There are just some things that I’m not okay with anymore. Therefore, certain things and people will be terminated until further notice. I’m doing what the fuck I want. I’m being myself for me. Because I know that overall I won’t be for you. Not that I really would want to.

People Really Suck!

The Road to Recovery

Fighting depression, trying not to commit suicide in oncoming traffic, and holding back screams from the pain of cramps and an upcoming menstrual cycle… Life has been tough this past week. With following lame job leads, and attending the stupid monthly visit to the Man. I don’t know much worse my life could get. People thinking that I’m crazy, I decided to have a little movie marathon. Deep Cover, King of New York, Dog Day Afternoon, Scarface, Communion, and Beetlejuice. All powerful movies, with very convincing men in very insignificant situations. Especially in Communion. Why haven’t the aliens come for me yet? Bastards!

The plus side, I did meet someone new. And of course, I think he’s great. He made me laugh, which seems to be a hard thing to do these days. But with God’s awesome planning of life, there would be an issue. He was sent to me, only to leave me! Thanks to the European corruption of the United States, he’s being sent away. I promise to hold him down, but I fear my lifestyle will continue to drain me further into the gutter. Could I really keep him interested while he’s away? He says there’s no one else, but with my experiences with guys; statements that form from the mouth are usually false! And if it is true, can I narrow myself down to him? Situations like this makes my mind want to broaden my horizons and explore more options. But my heart, wants to settle. Hearts are stupid and so are the people that use them! Maybe that’s why people get stabbed in them often?

Because my heart has been stabbed, stomped, and kicked around so many times, I decided to add another story called Let Them Eat Cake. Based on true events, of course. There’s a little clip of one of my favorite chick flicks, Marie Antoinette. The way they lurk at each other, makes me think of a happier time. When things were good way back when. When I was able to smile and not have a single care in the world. Writing has been my way down the road to recovery. I hope someone accepts and appreciates it, like I do. Because I don’t know what else I can do to occupy the conflict between my heart and mind…

The Road to Recovery