Sorry Mama. Sorry Sis.

You’ll never amount to anything.” said Darlene Brazzell on 9/1/2018.

You’re jealous of me. You’ve always been jealous of me.” said Indria Pringle on numerous occasions.

You’re a negative person. You always think negative, no wonder negative things happen to you.” said every person who has ever been in my and walked out of my life.

Damn, my apologies for being brought into a world that I never asked to be in. My apologies for trying to adapt to the life I never even wanted any part. My apologies that my father impregnated you, and left you for another woman. Oh, and I’m sorry that my existence never made him want to stay. I’m so fucking sorry.

Yes, I’m so sorry, that I’m jealous of you. I’m jealous of the fact, that everything was given to you, with no questions asked. I’m jealous of the fact, that you never had to work a day of your life. I”m jealous of the fact, that you started a family at the age of fifteen years old, only to lose custody of your children at the age of twenty-five because you never really had the opportunity of really being a responsible parent. I’m so jealous that you have the perfect body, the perfect weave, the best outfits. I’m jealous, of the fact that you chase a man who fucks other women, right in front of your face. I’m jealous of you, because you enjoy being disrespected by people and don’t truly know how to defend yourself. Yes, I’m so very jealous!

I’m the negative person?! You’re absolutely right. I am a negative person. I’ve gone through and endured so much pain my entire life. Through my family and so-called friends. I was never black enough for my entire family. I was too bougee. Then I became fake, because I distanced myself. But I’m the negative person. I was fat and ugly, and made fun of for holding my head up high and blocking mean people with my confidence. But I have to remember, I’m a negative person. I allowed myself to forgive my father before he passed, because he loved my brothers more than he loved me. I was not the child he wanted, as I was told most of my childhood. But I forgave him anyway. But I’m a negative person. I used to hide cuts and burns that I caused myself to compare it to the pain that I felt inside. Then my mother permanently scarred me for life, but that didn’t matter, because I lied for her so she wouldn’t go to jail. But all that did was bite me in the ass later on when I was twenty-seven. I tried to hang myself. I remember a time when I was alone in my cousin’s house and I had her Glock in my hand and I came close to pulling the trigger beside my head. But somehow I let God in my head. He said I was holding onto the Devil. Yes, that really was a negative situation. But I got myself out of that. I found myself giving feelings to men who only cared about themselves. My accusations about them were always right, and when I confronted them, I was a negative person. So in return, I left. I thought I was liberated, and yet I’m still a negative person.

For the last two years, I’ve been working as hard as I can to get myself out of a predicament that should have all been avoided. I thought I’d try to make amends with the same people who have done nothing but bring me down my entire life. But all that’s done is leave me wanting to hold continuous grudges and remain a complete BITCH!

“You’ll never amount to anything!” is what my mother told me today. Really? I’m the only daughter out of three who didn’t have kids, who has lived on her own, who has always had a job. And I will never amount to anything?! “You’ve always been jealous of me!” Indria, you’re absolutely correct. I am jealous of you. I want to be continuously disrespected by my family and peers. It’s shit that has been said to me for twenty-nine years that has kept me giving my life to God, who said, “That even though you were a mistake to them, you’ll never be a mistake to me. I made you for a reason and for a purpose. Don’t look back. Keep looking forward.”

God got me. I got God. God is blessing me slowly but surely. I love me some God. God loves me. Family, I don’t need you. Because when I needed you, you never knew me to exist. Friends, what the fuck is a friend?! Boyfriends/girlfriends are just temporary attractions. You can be easily replaced. But God. God is love, loyalty, honorable, trust, and my passion. I’m letting go and letting God.

Fuck you, if you’re not willing to understand.

 

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Sorry Mama. Sorry Sis.

Who’s Gonna Save My Soul Now?

CARE n. A feeling of concern, anxiety, or worry; guardianship or custody.
v. To show interest or regard.

If you “CARE” about me, why do you criticize me? Ridicule me? Degrade me? Disrespect me?

RESPECT v. To show consideration or esteem for; to relate to.
n. Courtesy or considerate treatment. Continue reading “Who’s Gonna Save My Soul Now?”

Who’s Gonna Save My Soul Now?

1-800-Aren’t-Yall-Bored

…”Yet, here we are still!” Watching little ol me. LMAO. “In the video. TRUE!” What is so important/unimportant about her, ya see?! You watch, just to see. You’re tuned in, but are afraid of me. Watching my tone? Watching my attitude? My style? My ways. My actions. FOR WHY? I don’t know but I completely don’t understand. WHY ME? I mean ain’t nothing so special. I’m just tryna do my own thing, my own way. Mind my own business. Do some things. This journey is fucking insane. People aren’t so free as they claim to be. I’m trying to take away the anger, yet whatever I do, it’s not good enough. But it’s your entertain, I guess.

So why do I play along? Oh, it’s the drama of it all. Please. I find it funny that it’s always the “circle of people” around me. What’s saucier about that statement, is that I don’t even be opening my mouth, laying a motherfucking finger, don’t even be in the same room or atmosphere as YOU or THEM or ANYONE IN PARTICULAR, and I’m the Hot Topic of conversation.  I guess the joke is on me. Literally, figuratively! LOL!

So where the fuck is my CHECK? My name is said so much, where tf is my loot? My name rings bells so much, it gotta be a check somewhere out there with $189,498,247,149,679.15 and my God damn name on it! I mean, right?! The fuck!? I can see why PEOPLE drive a 19-year-old boy to shoot up a school. Too much focus on the wrong things. Too much focus on materialistic values and not enough focus on the time that we have now. People take too much time to focus on how another person is doing on the exterior, rather than the interior. I might look like I’m doing good, living good, enjoying life. But deep down on the inside, I hurt just as much as any of you. I’m human too. And as a human, I shouldn’t have to express gratitude and appreciation to anyone when I already know how humble I am. No one knows how it feels to be Jayde on a daily basis. I’m constantly judged or based off of outer appearances. Who is she? She is who? What she was or what she’ll become? Shit, as if I didn’t already know!

LOVELIFE. Isn’t that what life is supposed to be about? Being so uplifted into yourself that you want to uplift others to want to take away a piece of you? Isn’t that why we go to funerals when someone we loved so much passes away? We try to remember their life, their love, their spirit of what is God?

But yet, you want to take that away from me?! Call me, talk to me. I want to talk to you. But not if you’re going to act the way that you do; With impatience, negativity, nastiness, meanness, bitterness, shamefulness, and HATE. The tic for tac shit, just isn’t where I’m at. We can talk about it all, but I don’t want to argue. I’m done fighting. I’m done with the anger. But the games, are stupid. It’s just dumb, what everyone does. I’m not perfect, but I never did things to people, as they have done to me.

Don’t act like you know EVERYTHING. You’ve only come but so far in what has been short to you but long to me. My journey, this life is not something I asked for, but I came for some purpose. I haven’t figured my purpose but disgracing me or anyone else for being a working progress is the issue in the world. Not how big or small a person is. Not if I’m black, white, dark, or light. Or pretty ugly. Yeah.

I may or may not have been in your shoes, but you haven’t been in mine either…ENJOYLIFE.

Happy 2018 🙄😔

1-800-Aren’t-Yall-Bored

In a Fickle? Eat a Pickle!

Laugh. It’s this thing I’ve been doing. My nail is broken AGAIN. I cry on the inside. I’m still two seconds away from slapping a bitch. But then I make myself laugh. Real quick. Remember those random phone calls? Every now and again I still get them. I don’t even want to play along anymore. I just laugh and let my eye continue twitching. I know what it is, deep down inside. (Cruella Deville laugh inserted here)

I don’t even know how long it’s been without a cigarette. It’s been months. I think I quit back in April or May? So 5 to 6 months, I have to say is good, after quitting a terrible habit. But I’m good. I am still physically tired as shit. But now I have to carry my dead weight as if the shit doesn’t exist. It hurts but I got shit to do, unfortunately.

Work. I need more! And I mean that shit. “Hit me, baby one more time!” Lol.

Addiction. (heavy sigh) Which one am I really not working on? Because let’s face it, everyone has something they’re addicted to. I’m coming to terms with my issues. It’s only a matter of time before everyone comes into their own. You know, just like how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly or a cucumber into a pickle!? Hehe. Humor me. I’m bored, on a day off, in the freezing fucking cold pits of Hell. Yeah, it’s not always fiery hot in Hell. So I keep writing. I keep my pen and notebook handy. Gee, I sound like Steve. I have a lot of open books that i’m working on too. Just not enough time in a day. The mathematics aren’t always summoned, as I see it. I play with my Maink. Just busy, busy, busy. Have to make more time to make more changes. Because there’s been tons of “changes”. But sometimes, Dyana just can’t get enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In a Fickle? Eat a Pickle!