Sorry Mama. Sorry Sis.

You’ll never amount to anything.” said Darlene Brazzell on 9/1/2018.

You’re jealous of me. You’ve always been jealous of me.” said Indria Pringle on numerous occasions.

You’re a negative person. You always think negative, no wonder negative things happen to you.” said every person who has ever been in my and walked out of my life.

Damn, my apologies for being brought into a world that I never asked to be in. My apologies for trying to adapt to the life I never even wanted any part. My apologies that my father impregnated you, and left you for another woman. Oh, and I’m sorry that my existence never made him want to stay. I’m so fucking sorry.

Yes, I’m so sorry, that I’m jealous of you. I’m jealous of the fact, that everything was given to you, with no questions asked. I’m jealous of the fact, that you never had to work a day of your life. I”m jealous of the fact, that you started a family at the age of fifteen years old, only to lose custody of your children at the age of twenty-five because you never really had the opportunity of really being a responsible parent. I’m so jealous that you have the perfect body, the perfect weave, the best outfits. I’m jealous, of the fact that you chase a man who fucks other women, right in front of your face. I’m jealous of you, because you enjoy being disrespected by people and don’t truly know how to defend yourself. Yes, I’m so very jealous!

I’m the negative person?! You’re absolutely right. I am a negative person. I’ve gone through and endured so much pain my entire life. Through my family and so-called friends. I was never black enough for my entire family. I was too bougee. Then I became fake, because I distanced myself. But I’m the negative person. I was fat and ugly, and made fun of for holding my head up high and blocking mean people with my confidence. But I have to remember, I’m a negative person. I allowed myself to forgive my father before he passed, because he loved my brothers more than he loved me. I was not the child he wanted, as I was told most of my childhood. But I forgave him anyway. But I’m a negative person. I used to hide cuts and burns that I caused myself to compare it to the pain that I felt inside. Then my mother permanently scarred me for life, but that didn’t matter, because I lied for her so she wouldn’t go to jail. But all that did was bite me in the ass later on when I was twenty-seven. I tried to hang myself. I remember a time when I was alone in my cousin’s house and I had her Glock in my hand and I came close to pulling the trigger beside my head. But somehow I let God in my head. He said I was holding onto the Devil. Yes, that really was a negative situation. But I got myself out of that. I found myself giving feelings to men who only cared about themselves. My accusations about them were always right, and when I confronted them, I was a negative person. So in return, I left. I thought I was liberated, and yet I’m still a negative person.

For the last two years, I’ve been working as hard as I can to get myself out of a predicament that should have all been avoided. I thought I’d try to make amends with the same people who have done nothing but bring me down my entire life. But all that’s done is leave me wanting to hold continuous grudges and remain a complete BITCH!

“You’ll never amount to anything!” is what my mother told me today. Really? I’m the only daughter out of three who didn’t have kids, who has lived on her own, who has always had a job. And I will never amount to anything?! “You’ve always been jealous of me!” Indria, you’re absolutely correct. I am jealous of you. I want to be continuously disrespected by my family and peers. It’s shit that has been said to me for twenty-nine years that has kept me giving my life to God, who said, “That even though you were a mistake to them, you’ll never be a mistake to me. I made you for a reason and for a purpose. Don’t look back. Keep looking forward.”

God got me. I got God. God is blessing me slowly but surely. I love me some God. God loves me. Family, I don’t need you. Because when I needed you, you never knew me to exist. Friends, what the fuck is a friend?! Boyfriends/girlfriends are just temporary attractions. You can be easily replaced. But God. God is love, loyalty, honorable, trust, and my passion. I’m letting go and letting God.

Fuck you, if you’re not willing to understand.

 

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Sorry Mama. Sorry Sis.

Protected: Will She Be Loved?

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Protected: Man #fuckyourpride, just take it back!

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Premonitions or Lost Vision?

Why is it that when you tell people you are in the position of changing yourself for the good, people have to negify it? Yeah, that’s not even a word? Lol. “You’re switching up!” Or “You’re acting funny!” But when i was already being serious and now that I’ve gotten MORE serious, you can’t seem to comprehend?! *heavy sigh* What stupid vortex dimension have I warped myself into?! And these people try to label this shit with illnesses and say that I’m the problem? No, the issue is that people are fucking idiots and lack common fucking sense. Daily. Which leads to the shallow depths of deception (i.e. alcoholism, addiction, depression, and the all more serious suicide). “Mask Off, fucking Mask Off!

After another one of my weird dreams, I awoke with a bloody nose. The realism of it all. But i must say, I’m realizing that I am doing way better than last year. Maybe it was a reflection of my past misery? Maybe the concurring misery of it all? An ultimate downward spiral…Cocaine. Some thing I miss, at times. Not that i was ever a stone cold killer of it, nor would i let that become a real habit of mines, because it ain’t that great or anything. But i do miss the feeling of being able to further expand my mind with it. Hey, don’t knock it til you try it! *serious Uncle Sam face and finger* It isn’t for everybody. But as my nose was oozing, it just felt so familiar. If I could chug a bottle of vodka at 9:28 am, then I probably would’ve done so. Why do people drive Evalynn to want to come out? I dislike her, because she just doesn’t give a fuck! WOAH! Woosah, Jaydddde… Easier said than done! Because just yesterday I picked up my straight razor, that I usually use to shape up people’s eyebrows, and darted it right against my arm and pressed down very hard. No, I didn’t cut myself! I just made myself flinch, that’s all. But I definitely did consider it. The desperation of wanting to feel actual physical pain, instead of the pain of everything else is PRICELESS! Now, here’s my issue, with this melodramatic dream and the actions I consider driving towards. Why did I dream about something I haven’t touched in an entire year? Why did I wake up as if I did snort a couple of Quaaludes? Maybe I need to stop letting Al Pacino put me to sleep at night and watch something with Lindsay Lohan? Hmmph… Do I subconsciously want to pick back up this habit? Or is this Evalynn trying to fuck with the rest of the bitches in my head, who have been cooperative and maintaining their composure? I mean, what the fuck? Lol.

Doesn’t anyone understand that I’m slowly entering a grave and all I want is for it to end? Put me out of my misery. And yet, I’m still here! No signs of cancer. No brain tumor. Just a strong case of Diabetes and Bulimia. Thank you God. Thank you for prolonging my suffering! And thank you to those in the medical field who think medication is the answer, when it only causes more hell and fuckery down the road. My life is a prime example!

So I hung out with Mike Will Made It, not the actual producer, but that’s what I plugged him into my phone as, when I met him. He’s not even into Hip-Hop, just FYI! But when I talk to him, I know he listens. Correction…He stares and listens! And when he replies with his input, he does it without being aggressive and rude. He’s straight to the point, which is why he somewhat inspired my character Julian. Unfortunately, ‘Consequences’ is complete fiction. And I’m having a strong case of writer’s block. Because I do have the story completed on paper and finished in my head. I just feel that I need to make it more visionary. And then I feel more pressured and more stressed. But then I remember, no one really cares about who I am yet. This is just another dumb blog for me to release the stress with my vivid and imaginative vocabulary. But I want to get it out of the way to gain some exposure as a serious writer. Get published? Who knows?!

Back to the bad case of Diabetes and Bulimia, I have to take my diet seriously. My fast has begun. It’s been a while since, I have deprived myself. Maybe this will help me gain some control over my inner demons. Because let’s face it, food is another addiction! And I’m running low on weed anyways. And I hate who I am when I drink. So I am in need of a three-day cleanse. I’m going to take this weekend and think about my future actions further. I’m going to create interesting plot twists. And I’m not going to take any more bullshit from no one. “So fuck you, Debbie!

Premonitions or Lost Vision?