Who’s Gonna Save My Soul Now?

CARE n. A feeling of concern, anxiety, or worry; guardianship or custody.
v. To show interest or regard.

If you “CARE” about me, why do you criticize me? Ridicule me? Degrade me? Disrespect me?

RESPECT v. To show consideration or esteem for; to relate to.
n. Courtesy or considerate treatment. Continue reading “Who’s Gonna Save My Soul Now?”

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Who’s Gonna Save My Soul Now?

1-800-Aren’t-Yall-Bored

…”Yet, here we are still!” Watching little ol me. LMAO. “In the video. TRUE!” What is so important/unimportant about her, ya see?! You watch, just to see. You’re tuned in, but are afraid of me. Watching my tone? Watching my attitude? My style? My ways. My actions. FOR WHY? I don’t know but I completely don’t understand. WHY ME? I mean ain’t nothing so special. I’m just tryna do my own thing, my own way. Mind my own business. Do some things. This journey is fucking insane. People aren’t so free as they claim to be. I’m trying to take away the anger, yet whatever I do, it’s not good enough. But it’s your entertain, I guess.

So why do I play along? Oh, it’s the drama of it all. Please. I find it funny that it’s always the “circle of people” around me. What’s saucier about that statement, is that I don’t even be opening my mouth, laying a motherfucking finger, don’t even be in the same room or atmosphere as YOU or THEM or ANYONE IN PARTICULAR, and I’m the Hot Topic of conversation.  I guess the joke is on me. Literally, figuratively! LOL!

So where the fuck is my CHECK? My name is said so much, where tf is my loot? My name rings bells so much, it gotta be a check somewhere out there with $189,498,247,149,679.15 and my God damn name on it! I mean, right?! The fuck!? I can see why PEOPLE drive a 19-year-old boy to shoot up a school. Too much focus on the wrong things. Too much focus on materialistic values and not enough focus on the time that we have now. People take too much time to focus on how another person is doing on the exterior, rather than the interior. I might look like I’m doing good, living good, enjoying life. But deep down on the inside, I hurt just as much as any of you. I’m human too. And as a human, I shouldn’t have to express gratitude and appreciation to anyone when I already know how humble I am. No one knows how it feels to be Jayde on a daily basis. I’m constantly judged or based off of outer appearances. Who is she? She is who? What she was or what she’ll become? Shit, as if I didn’t already know!

LOVELIFE. Isn’t that what life is supposed to be about? Being so uplifted into yourself that you want to uplift others to want to take away a piece of you? Isn’t that why we go to funerals when someone we loved so much passes away? We try to remember their life, their love, their spirit of what is God?

But yet, you want to take that away from me?! Call me, talk to me. I want to talk to you. But not if you’re going to act the way that you do; With impatience, negativity, nastiness, meanness, bitterness, shamefulness, and HATE. The tic for tac shit, just isn’t where I’m at. We can talk about it all, but I don’t want to argue. I’m done fighting. I’m done with the anger. But the games, are stupid. It’s just dumb, what everyone does. I’m not perfect, but I never did things to people, as they have done to me.

Don’t act like you know EVERYTHING. You’ve only come but so far in what has been short to you but long to me. My journey, this life is not something I asked for, but I came for some purpose. I haven’t figured my purpose but disgracing me or anyone else for being a working progress is the issue in the world. Not how big or small a person is. Not if I’m black, white, dark, or light. Or pretty ugly. Yeah.

I may or may not have been in your shoes, but you haven’t been in mine either…ENJOYLIFE.

Happy 2018 🙄😔

1-800-Aren’t-Yall-Bored

Protected: Will She Be Loved?

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Protected: Will She Be Loved?

Phone Tag, More Premonitions, & #facts!

I do not understand why people like to play phone tag. It’s also uncannily to know that these people are doing this at their place of employment. What’s annoying about this factor is that I have no way of proving this, because I am all the way in fucking New Haven, doing what I am supposed to be doing. You know, minding my own business! While this “anonymous” person is in the jungles of Bumafucktown having an interesting day playing behind mobile devices. *inserts heavy eye roll* Yessssssssss, for the millionth frickin time! I shit you not! Every single day, there is a brand new telephone number. I mean, at least, it’s not being blocked anymore. I give HIM or HER some credit! But I’m not a retard. When I call back, all of a sudden the number is no longer in service, or I get continuous random text messages that just make no kind of sense. I don’t know what the fuck is this man’s and his woman’s issue with me, but this shit has to LITERALLY FUCKING STOP! I can not take the fuckery any longer. Now, I know that I have other ordeals going on in my life and I’m not ruling those factors out either. But if that were the case, those PIGS already have my ADDRESS! Pick me up motherfuckers. Come handle your motherfucking “BUSINESS” punks! They won’t. But for the millionth, God loving motherfucking time, I Am Not With Stupid <——. Do not let one night of foolishness, confuse the shit balls out of yourself! I am not naive or immature. “PUSH ME TO THE EDGE! All my friends are dead!” =P You people are not for me just as much as I am not for you.

November 2016 – RELEASED! …From all that was hell and misery. I left ALL OF YOU behind! I left all of you IN THERE! I didn’t call or reach out to ANY OF YOU afterwards! I no longer CARED! I stopped. And guess what? I was FINE! GREAT! BETTER! I no longer CARED! But I had obligations and a new commitment to and for myself. I was doing FINE. I was doing OK. I was doing what I was supposed to do! I was giving myself back to me. I was tired of the crying and hurt. I didn’t want it anymore. So I stayed the fuck away! *in my Wyclef Jean voice* January, February, March, April, May… I turned another year older, but I was drama and random phone call free. I ended up back on the streets again, but that was my own decision. I lost out on occupations and money, because this country thinks it should control me. It’s funny, how after I got HIS out of nowhere texts and we had, what I thought, was our FINAL phone call back in April. Shortly after, I began receiving the random/spur of the moment text messages and phone calls. But I haven’t made one complaint. I mention it then dismiss it. I’m not really angry anymore. Because I am aware of the people that I have to deal with. My only issue with this situation is, that EVERYONE has had the audacity to say that I am the craziest, stupidest, weirdest, and most dysfunctional human being on all of the planet Earth. Okay?! What is it that I have to prove to you people? Do I have to Wendy Williams my life for you? I need to show you receipts? I didn’t know I needed a tax off on my own life… But if proof is what the people need, then here is some:

Was the thirst not clarified? Let’s discuss how the universe is continuously bringing this man and/or woman into my life. Having these premonitions/dreams. And then more incoming phone calls and text messages. I swear to God and my dead father, I am no longer into someone who could never show me to my face that he really did give a fuck about me. I don’t care about someone who posts pictures with a woman he has either no romantic feelings for, and/or doesn’t really want to be with. I no longer have no interest in catering to someone who couldn’t cater to me. I have no interest in someone who has to lie to three people; her, his child, and himself. I have no interest in someone who has to continuously stalk me on social media to see what is going on in my life. Not that I care. Because I don’t care about you, at all. But for some dumb fucking reason, the universe wants me to. He is always in my dreams, to the point that I no longer want to go to sleep. To the point, that I find myself randomly feeling him next to me. Or I that I find myself going to the mall to test out his cologne. Literally.

How does one song just comprehend my struggles? I move on, but I can’t let it completely go, because it is continuously happening. Why does my past control my future? Why is everyone trying to keep me as a stagnant and miserable person? Was I more interesting that way or something? Was she easier to control? Because I don’t remember it being that way. But still I try to proceed with my progress to prosper out of the shadows of death. The weak will never understand the depths of my strength. Don’t say that you weren’t warned!

Phone Tag, More Premonitions, & #facts!

Pull The Trigger!

I’m not hallucinating and I’m not paranoid. Yes, i smoke a little weed here and there. But I’m not imagining the things i see and hear going on. Right in front of me! I know that I’m not stupid and i know when i am in an awkward situation. I know when the focus has turned to me and i know when I’m not wanted or welcomed.

I know that Saturday, i went to a family BBQ and the attention was focused on me for some reason. It was to celebrate my cousin’s graduation and the other’s birthday. I know that complete strangers were talking shit about me, right in front of me. And i said not a word. I didn’t want to make a scene. I know what i saw and what i heard!

I know that my ex tried to set me up with some chicken shit broad to get me fucked up in West Haven two yrs ago. I know what i saw and heard and what the fuck happened. How did complete strangers know i was going to be on Campbell Ave to set me up to get ambushed by complete nobodies. I swear, i know what i saw and i know what the fuck happened. I was there.

I know that i got robbed last summer as a fucking set up. By who? I have no clue but i will be seeking my revenge on the parties involved.

I know that back in April, HE called me after going over a year of not communicating with me. He said it was to apologize but i know better than to play fuck boy shit. I had a dream of him, right before he placed that phone call and those texts. I know why he really called. I’m not stupid. I know that HE was parked outside my house one night in a gold car. I know that he sent some fat ugly white bumafuck bitch, walk into my job, to have me pressed! And I still acted like a lady and said not one word, nor made a scene, unless I FELT IT WAS NECESSARY to do so! I know what i have seen and what i have heard. I know what has happened right in front of my face.

I’m kind of all over the place. But I know what has been cleared! So why does my life have to be the deadly example? What did i ever do to anyone, to make them have to remind me, that they are all better than me? Who the hell made you almighty God and wonderful, that it’s ok to put me down? If you don’t want me around, do me a favor and put the bullet in my brain. I’m sorry that i don’t have the guts to pull the trigger on my own self!

Pull The Trigger!

Fake Love/Real Hate

Not trying to be funny, sounding like LL Cool J, but it is true. I need love. Why is there so much fake love and real hate out there in the world? Why can’t motherfuckers be honest and real with you? You meet a person and they seem all genuine to your face. But the moment you turn your back, they’re fake as fuck! And I hate that technology gets involved in this fuckery. Texting is the most ignorant way of communicating. Never say what they mean, mean what they say, or use dumbass emojis. I will never know how a smiley face implies as direct conversation or of how you’re truly feeling. Why did it become so complicated for us to have a decent conversation today? When did it become cool to be a habitual liar? A manipulator? A sociopath? This is cool?! This is an abomination, and I want no parts of it. I want for every fuck nigga and punk ass bitch to leave me alone! I want every man to stop begging for my pussy, if you think you’re only going to get one good use of it. Believe me, it’s had EVERY dumb ass coming back, STUCK ON STUPID AS FUCK! Not that I’m broadcasting or anything. But WHAT IN THE FUCK?! There are things that I want and need and with the way the world is working, none of you are right for me. Even as a friend, I want no parts in you. I don’t need to be robbed again, of things that I’ve worked too hard for. I don’t need another knife placed in my heart. Don’t you understand, I’m already a fragile person?! Why make someone hate themselves for being themselves? Don’t kiss me, smile in my face, say & do things to make me think you want to be around, when we both know you don’t. See, my issue is that people think I don’t see the signs and road blocks. I’ve seen them loud and clear and a gazillion times from the bitch or nigga before you. Trust, I am very well caught up! And I have learned my lessons. I’m growing from those lessons. I may still have to shed tears, but these are my tears of the pain and sorrow. And don’t take them as a sign of weakness. Because no, I’m not weak! I’m still a fighter! But I’m fighting in my own way. I’m gaining my old strength back and some new strengths in my process. No one knows my internal exterior, simply because no one has ever been interested. Well one day, someone will be interested. They’re going to want to know all of the whos, whats, whys, whens, wheres, and hows… And hopefully, I will be willing to give them all of those answers. Hopefully, they’ll want me to be an open book, and read between the lines. I hope that they’ll allow me to cry, and not judge a single tear that falls down my cheek. I hope they’ll like every wrinkle in my frown, or how rosy my cheeks get when I crack a smile. Understand that we all have flaws, and that we aren’t perfect, and that we all have a past, but thinks I’m wonderful overall. I want there to be love. Let our souls connect. Our eyes to meet. And our minds to intellect. I want to believe it’s out there. But when all you’ve ever seen is hurt, rage, lies, pain, anger, deception, distraught, and disasters… Can I still believe it’s amongst me?! Is love a real thing? Or is it just another way to make a dollar?

Fake Love/Real Hate