For some reason the Ghosts of Past Relationships likes to do brief check ups on my current life. All of these ex-boyfriends all of a sudden want to reenter my life. Claim to correct all the wrongs they’ve ever encountered with me. Why has 2017 done this to me? I mean ex-boyfriends from high school, junior high school. If Ali Bell calls me, then I know I’ve got some good kitty kat. Meow. But this is getting ridiculous. I’ve finally decided to commit myself to one person. Yes, someone from the past. But this was someone that I pushed away. It was a long time ago and I was a different person back then. But our relationship is like something I’ve never experienced. I’ve been getting and giving the loyalty that I’ve always wanted. He makes sure that I’ve eaten. He even cuddles up with me on my couch in the cold dark dungeon. He puts a smile on my face. And when I’m a complete bitch to him, he doesn’t want to argue back with me. He leaves me alone when I want him to. But I never want him to. He’s what I’ve always wanted in a boyfriend. But why am I still tempted to fuck it up, of course?! Why is HE still on my mind? Why did I see him back in October in the streets? I fucked around and called my boyfriend Jack Sparrow, being that my ex was Davy Jones. I have daily visions of him coming back again. Only now, I have someone’s heart in my hands. How can I end the cycle of lies and deceit, if the cycle continues to fight in me? How can I still want to be with someone who clearly doesn’t want to fight for me?
How can I still be hungry if I already ate? And yet, I’m still craving a burger from Wendy’s.
Work has been keeping me occupied. But still these exes just won’t stop. There’s Jevon, Lucious, HIM, Rashawn, Baby Grinch, and the list has just gone on and on. I’ve shown bae the texts, he’s not surprised. He knows I’m a good one. But my mind is a challenge, all on it’s own. I been trying to just be Jayde, but Dyana and Delilah know how to work their magic and unleash the devil. Those hoes can’t be stopped. They may never be tamed.
I’m not as depressed as much. I can honestly say I’ve been happier since Bae came back into my life. But I want to keep him private from the world for right now. For some reason, I like the drama of my past coming back. I enjoy making my exes suffer. Giving them the same fiery Hell they caused me way back when. I feel mildly evil. Not Cruela DeVille evil, but just about enough cruelty in prances around in my cerebellum.
Anyways, I know that I’ve been neglecting my blog. I’ve been neglecting my literature. My true peace of mind and clarity. But Bae has been the reason. He’s been motivating me. He’s been nourishing me. We’ve been upgrading each other. But now, I must get back into the things that have been there for me when he was not. I’ve been trying to get this Youtube and portfolio thing really going. But I’ve been overly occupied with shit. I need to motivate myself back into the old shit. And I will soon. Just stay tuned.
I’m not hallucinating and I’m not paranoid. Yes, i smoke a little weed here and there. But I’m not imagining the things i see and hear going on. Right in front of me! I know that I’m not stupid and i know when i am in an awkward situation. I know when the focus has turned to me and i know when I’m not wanted or welcomed.
I know that Saturday, i went to a family BBQ and the attention was focused on me for some reason. It was to celebrate my cousin’s graduation and the other’s birthday. I know that complete strangers were talking shit about me, right in front of me. And i said not a word. I didn’t want to make a scene. I know what i saw and what i heard!
I know that my ex tried to set me up with some chicken shit broad to get me fucked up in West Haven two yrs ago. I know what i saw and heard and what the fuck happened. How did complete strangers know i was going to be on Campbell Ave to set me up to get ambushed by complete nobodies. I swear, i know what i saw and i know what the fuck happened. I was there.
I know that i got robbed last summer as a fucking set up. By who? I have no clue but i will be seeking my revenge on the parties involved.
I know that back in April, HE called me after going over a year of not communicating with me. He said it was to apologize but i know better than to play fuck boy shit. I had a dream of him, right before he placed that phone call and those texts. I know why he really called. I’m not stupid. I know that HE was parked outside my house one night in a gold car. I know that he sent some fat ugly white bumafuck bitch, walk into my job, to have me pressed! And I still acted like a lady and said not one word, nor made a scene, unless I FELT IT WAS NECESSARY to do so! I know what i have seen and what i have heard. I know what has happened right in front of my face.
I’m kind of all over the place. But I know what has been cleared! So why does my life have to be the deadly example? What did i ever do to anyone, to make them have to remind me, that they are all better than me? Who the hell made you almighty God and wonderful, that it’s ok to put me down? If you don’t want me around, do me a favor and put the bullet in my brain. I’m sorry that i don’t have the guts to pull the trigger on my own self!
What is the point of having good vision when life isn’t clear as day? Judgment. Isolation. Pure evil and Hell! That’s what I’ve seen.
Obsessing Him, reviewing the actions of the petty woman who birthed me, and overcoming my feelings of how I allowed myself to become a complete piece of shit. Your God created me for some completely ignorant reason. What is the lesson here? What is my purpose? Why me? I have, who I am, as a person completely figured out. I don’t need to talk to these people or that person. What is that really doing for me? So I’m talking. Okay, BIG FRICKIN DEAL! But it doesn’t stop me from feeling how I feel. It doesn’t take away what has happened. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to do what I have always felt to be right!
A disease is what The People label it. It’s not okay to feel like that. It’s not normal. Did you ever consider that it is normal for me? Think about it. I’ve been depressed since my teenage years. My first attempt at suicide was when I was thirteen. I overdosed on over-the-counter medication. Yes, cheap medication that you can buy at your local pharmacy. I was even more awkward then. Someone who kept to self and minded my own business. Sure, I had friends but I never talked about it. I tried to suck it up. I smiled and laughed at jokes. Real shit happened. But I still cried every day. I think that I just didn’t want to cry any more. Little luck did that do me! So one day, I raided the medicine cabinet and four days later I wake up in Yale with a pumped stomach and a heavy chest. Of course, I was just a beginner then. It was easy to fool people when they had no clue of who I really was. Lies, are what you suggest. But the doctors are the ones who concluded that my body just overreacted on itself. Woo hoo, I was in the clear to go for it again!
Now we are at many failed attempts. And I still have no sense of purpose. I don’t get the point or memo. Why am I still here? Why are people so quick to judge? Why can’t people have good intentions? You know, do onto others as you would do onto them. Why am I getting out of the blue phone calls instead of the friendly home visits? A real apology. Why do people get jealous and insecure? Why are guys so thirsty to the point that they have to force control upon women? And when men don’t get their way, they are quick to garnish your name all to save face? Why does everyone feel the need to be in control of every single thing? Look at who you idiots elected as your fucking president! This is the dumbest fucking country in all of the world!
How did this become normal to us? How did we allow ourselves to think that the world we live in is okay? It has it’s up and it’s downs but there are far more downs than there are ups and I am disgraced. If our ancestors saw us now, shaking my damn head. I want to use my powers for good. I want to believe we can make it a better place. As of now, I must start with me. Is that Selfish? There are just some things that I’m not okay with anymore. Therefore, certain things and people will be terminated until further notice. I’m doing what the fuck I want. I’m being myself for me. Because I know that overall I won’t be for you. Not that I really would want to.
Fighting depression, trying not to commit suicide in oncoming traffic, and holding back screams from the pain of cramps and an upcoming menstrual cycle… Life has been tough this past week. With following lame job leads, and attending the stupid monthly visit to the Man. I don’t know much worse my life could get. People thinking that I’m crazy, I decided to have a little movie marathon. Deep Cover, King of New York, Dog Day Afternoon, Scarface, Communion, and Beetlejuice. All powerful movies, with very convincing men in very insignificant situations. Especially in Communion. Why haven’t the aliens come for me yet? Bastards!
The plus side, I did meet someone new. And of course, I think he’s great. He made me laugh, which seems to be a hard thing to do these days. But with God’s awesome planning of life, there would be an issue. He was sent to me, only to leave me! Thanks to the European corruption of the United States, he’s being sent away. I promise to hold him down, but I fear my lifestyle will continue to drain me further into the gutter. Could I really keep him interested while he’s away? He says there’s no one else, but with my experiences with guys; statements that form from the mouth are usually false! And if it is true, can I narrow myself down to him? Situations like this makes my mind want to broaden my horizons and explore more options. But my heart, wants to settle. Hearts are stupid and so are the people that use them! Maybe that’s why people get stabbed in them often?
Because my heart has been stabbed, stomped, and kicked around so many times, I decided to add another story called Let Them Eat Cake. Based on true events, of course. There’s a little clip of one of my favorite chick flicks, Marie Antoinette. The way they lurk at each other, makes me think of a happier time. When things were good way back when. When I was able to smile and not have a single care in the world. Writing has been my way down the road to recovery. I hope someone accepts and appreciates it, like I do. Because I don’t know what else I can do to occupy the conflict between my heart and mind…