Who’s Gonna Save My Soul Now?

CARE n. A feeling of concern, anxiety, or worry; guardianship or custody.
v. To show interest or regard.

If you “CARE” about me, why do you criticize me? Ridicule me? Degrade me? Disrespect me?

RESPECT v. To show consideration or esteem for; to relate to.
n. Courtesy or considerate treatment. Continue reading “Who’s Gonna Save My Soul Now?”

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Who’s Gonna Save My Soul Now?

1-800-Aren’t-Yall-Bored

…”Yet, here we are still!” Watching little ol me. LMAO. “In the video. TRUE!” What is so important/unimportant about her, ya see?! You watch, just to see. You’re tuned in, but are afraid of me. Watching my tone? Watching my attitude? My style? My ways. My actions. FOR WHY? I don’t know but I completely don’t understand. WHY ME? I mean ain’t nothing so special. I’m just tryna do my own thing, my own way. Mind my own business. Do some things. This journey is fucking insane. People aren’t so free as they claim to be. I’m trying to take away the anger, yet whatever I do, it’s not good enough. But it’s your entertain, I guess.

So why do I play along? Oh, it’s the drama of it all. Please. I find it funny that it’s always the “circle of people” around me. What’s saucier about that statement, is that I don’t even be opening my mouth, laying a motherfucking finger, don’t even be in the same room or atmosphere as YOU or THEM or ANYONE IN PARTICULAR, and I’m the Hot Topic of conversation.¬† I guess the joke is on me. Literally, figuratively! LOL!

So where the fuck is my CHECK? My name is said so much, where tf is my loot? My name rings bells so much, it gotta be a check somewhere out there with $189,498,247,149,679.15 and my God damn name on it! I mean, right?! The fuck!? I can see why PEOPLE drive a 19-year-old boy to shoot up a school. Too much focus on the wrong things. Too much focus on materialistic values and not enough focus on the time that we have now. People take too much time to focus on how another person is doing on the exterior, rather than the interior. I might look like I’m doing good, living good, enjoying life. But deep down on the inside, I hurt just as much as any of you. I’m human too. And as a human, I shouldn’t have to express gratitude and appreciation to anyone when I already know how humble I am. No one knows how it feels to be Jayde on a daily basis. I’m constantly judged or based off of outer appearances. Who is she? She is who? What she was or what she’ll become? Shit, as if I didn’t already know!

LOVELIFE. Isn’t that what life is supposed to be about? Being so uplifted into yourself that you want to uplift others to want to take away a piece of you? Isn’t that why we go to funerals when someone we loved so much passes away? We try to remember their life, their love, their spirit of what is God?

But yet, you want to take that away from me?! Call me, talk to me. I want to talk to you. But not if you’re going to act the way that you do; With impatience, negativity, nastiness, meanness, bitterness, shamefulness, and HATE. The tic for tac shit, just isn’t where I’m at. We can talk about it all, but I don’t want to argue. I’m done fighting. I’m done with the anger. But the games, are stupid. It’s just dumb, what everyone does. I’m not perfect, but I never did things to people, as they have done to me.

Don’t act like you know EVERYTHING. You’ve only come but so far in what has been short to you but long to me. My journey, this life is not something I asked for, but I came for some purpose. I haven’t figured my purpose but disgracing me or anyone else for being a working progress is the issue in the world. Not how big or small a person is. Not if I’m black, white, dark, or light. Or pretty ugly. Yeah.

I may or may not have been in your shoes, but you haven’t been in mine either…ENJOYLIFE.

Happy 2018 ūüôĄūüėĒ

1-800-Aren’t-Yall-Bored

Premonitions or Lost Vision?

Why is it that when you tell people you are in the position of changing yourself for the good, people have to negify it? Yeah, that’s not even a word? Lol. “You’re switching up!” Or “You’re acting funny!” But when i was already being serious and now that I’ve gotten MORE serious, you can’t seem to comprehend?! *heavy sigh* What stupid vortex dimension have I warped myself into?! And these people try to¬†label this shit¬†with illnesses and say that I’m the problem? No, the issue is that people are fucking idiots and lack common fucking sense. Daily. Which leads to the shallow depths of deception (i.e. alcoholism, addiction, depression, and the all more serious suicide). “Mask Off, fucking Mask Off!

After another one of my weird dreams, I awoke with a bloody nose. The realism of it all. But i must say, I’m realizing that I am doing way better than last year. Maybe it was a reflection of my past misery? Maybe the concurring misery of it all? An¬†ultimate downward spiral…Cocaine. Some thing I miss, at times. Not that i was ever a stone cold killer of it, nor would i let that become a real habit of mines, because it ain’t that great or anything. But i do miss the¬†feeling of being able to further expand my mind with it. Hey, don’t knock it til you try it! *serious Uncle Sam face and finger* It isn’t for everybody. But¬†as my nose was oozing, it just felt so familiar. If I could chug a bottle of vodka at 9:28 am, then I probably would’ve done so. Why do people drive Evalynn to want to come out? I dislike her, because she just doesn’t give a fuck! WOAH! Woosah, Jaydddde… Easier said than done! Because just yesterday I picked up my straight razor, that I usually use to shape up people’s eyebrows, and darted it right against my arm and pressed down very hard. No, I didn’t cut myself! I just made myself flinch, that’s all. But I definitely did consider it. The desperation of wanting to feel actual physical pain, instead of the pain of everything else is PRICELESS! Now, here’s my issue, with this melodramatic dream and the actions I consider driving towards. Why did I dream about something I haven’t touched in an entire year? Why did I wake up as if I did snort a couple of Quaaludes? Maybe I need to stop letting Al Pacino put me to sleep at night and watch something with Lindsay Lohan? Hmmph… Do I subconsciously want to¬†pick back up this habit? Or is this Evalynn trying to fuck with the rest of the bitches in my head, who have been cooperative and maintaining their composure? I mean, what the fuck? Lol.

Doesn’t anyone understand that I’m slowly entering a grave and all I want is for it to end? Put me out of my misery. And yet, I’m still here! No signs of cancer. No brain tumor. Just a strong case of Diabetes and Bulimia. Thank you God. Thank you for prolonging my suffering! And thank you to those in the medical field who think medication is the answer, when it only causes more hell and fuckery down the road. My life is a¬†prime example!

So I hung out with Mike Will Made It, not the actual producer, but that’s what I plugged him into my phone as, when I met him. He’s not even into Hip-Hop, just FYI! But when I talk to him, I know he listens. Correction…He stares and listens! And when he¬†replies with his input, he does it without being aggressive and rude. He’s straight to the point, which is why he somewhat inspired my character Julian. Unfortunately, ‘Consequences’¬†is complete fiction. And I’m having a strong case of writer’s block. Because I do have the story completed on paper and finished in my head. I just feel that I need to make it more visionary. And then I feel more pressured and more stressed. But then I remember, no one really cares about who I am yet. This is just another dumb blog for me to release the stress with my vivid and imaginative vocabulary. But I want to get it out of the way to gain some exposure as a serious writer. Get published? Who knows?!

Back to the bad case of Diabetes and Bulimia, I have to take my¬†diet seriously. My fast has begun. It’s been a while since, I have deprived myself. Maybe this will help me gain some control over my inner demons. Because let’s face it, food is another addiction! And I’m running low on weed anyways. And I hate who I am when I¬†drink.¬†So I am in need of a three-day cleanse. I’m going to take this weekend and think about my future actions further. I’m going to create interesting plot twists. And I’m not going to take any more bullshit from no one. “So fuck you, Debbie!

Premonitions or Lost Vision?