For some reason the Ghosts of Past Relationships likes to do brief check ups on my current life. All of these ex-boyfriends all of a sudden want to reenter my life. Claim to correct all the wrongs they’ve ever encountered with me. Why has 2017 done this to me? I mean ex-boyfriends from high school, junior high school. If Ali Bell calls me, then I know I’ve got some good kitty kat. Meow. But this is getting ridiculous. I’ve finally decided to commit myself to one person. Yes, someone from the past. But this was someone that I pushed away. It was a long time ago and I was a different person back then. But our relationship is like something I’ve never experienced. I’ve been getting and giving the loyalty that I’ve always wanted. He makes sure that I’ve eaten. He even cuddles up with me on my couch in the cold dark dungeon. He puts a smile on my face. And when I’m a complete bitch to him, he doesn’t want to argue back with me. He leaves me alone when I want him to. But I never want him to. He’s what I’ve always wanted in a boyfriend. But why am I still tempted to fuck it up, of course?! Why is HE still on my mind? Why did I see him back in October in the streets? I fucked around and called my boyfriend Jack Sparrow, being that my ex was Davy Jones. I have daily visions of him coming back again. Only now, I have someone’s heart in my hands. How can I end the cycle of lies and deceit, if the cycle continues to fight in me? How can I still want to be with someone who clearly doesn’t want to fight for me?
How can I still be hungry if I already ate? And yet, I’m still craving a burger from Wendy’s.
Work has been keeping me occupied. But still these exes just won’t stop. There’s Jevon, Lucious, HIM, Rashawn, Baby Grinch, and the list has just gone on and on. I’ve shown bae the texts, he’s not surprised. He knows I’m a good one. But my mind is a challenge, all on it’s own. I been trying to just be Jayde, but Dyana and Delilah know how to work their magic and unleash the devil. Those hoes can’t be stopped. They may never be tamed.
I’m not as depressed as much. I can honestly say I’ve been happier since Bae came back into my life. But I want to keep him private from the world for right now. For some reason, I like the drama of my past coming back. I enjoy making my exes suffer. Giving them the same fiery Hell they caused me way back when. I feel mildly evil. Not Cruela DeVille evil, but just about enough cruelty in prances around in my cerebellum.
Anyways, I know that I’ve been neglecting my blog. I’ve been neglecting my literature. My true peace of mind and clarity. But Bae has been the reason. He’s been motivating me. He’s been nourishing me. We’ve been upgrading each other. But now, I must get back into the things that have been there for me when he was not. I’ve been trying to get this Youtube and portfolio thing really going. But I’ve been overly occupied with shit. I need to motivate myself back into the old shit. And I will soon. Just stay tuned.
Laugh. It’s this thing I’ve been doing. My nail is broken AGAIN. I cry on the inside. I’m still two seconds away from slapping a bitch. But then I make myself laugh. Real quick. Remember those random phone calls? Every now and again I still get them. I don’t even want to play along anymore. I just laugh and let my eye continue twitching. I know what it is, deep down inside. (Cruella Deville laugh inserted here)
I don’t even know how long it’s been without a cigarette. It’s been months. I think I quit back in April or May? So 5 to 6 months, I have to say is good, after quitting a terrible habit. But I’m good. I am still physically tired as shit. But now I have to carry my dead weight as if the shit doesn’t exist. It hurts but I got shit to do, unfortunately.
Work. I need more! And I mean that shit. “Hit me, baby one more time!” Lol.
Addiction. (heavy sigh) Which one am I really not working on? Because let’s face it, everyone has something they’re addicted to. I’m coming to terms with my issues. It’s only a matter of time before everyone comes into their own. You know, just like how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly or a cucumber into a pickle!? Hehe. Humor me. I’m bored, on a day off, in the freezing fucking cold pits of Hell. Yeah, it’s not always fiery hot in Hell. So I keep writing. I keep my pen and notebook handy. Gee, I sound like Steve. I have a lot of open books that i’m working on too. Just not enough time in a day. The mathematics aren’t always summoned, as I see it. I play with my Maink. Just busy, busy, busy. Have to make more time to make more changes. Because there’s been tons of “changes”. But sometimes, Dyana just can’t get enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So many ideas. So little time. Added some creative things to this little thing. Haven’t been in a writing mood. But I’ve been in great spirits. Surprisingly enough, I can finally WOOSAH for a moment. Been thinking about getting back into trying the whole YouTube gig. I’m diving for spotters. So far I only have my old trusty AJ. I been thinking about writing a tale about him in my Dyana series, but then again some things should be kept to myself. I rather spare those details for the camera life, if it ever happens. I am back to working on my updated portfolio. Of course, there’s a minor glitch. I found my SanDisk flash drive but my dumbass made all my vaults password protected, and I can’t figure out all of the passwords. Fuck my life! However, I was able to crack some of the codes and I found some of my other stories. Even after digging through a bunch of boxes and found old notebooks too. These stories on my flash drive, were the reasons I started taking my writing more seriously, way back when. So maybe I’ll double my recovery workload on adding more stories, content and blasting my ideas from outer space. Or my secret little world. My mind is on a whole new level. I hope everyone is tuned in to the show…
In typical Dyana fashion, she’s had an adventurously dangerous weekend. After spending time with her dudes, another real life story developed onto the literature page. The official page post is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8:24AM, just in case it says the link isn’t found.
As I wrote, I couldn’t stop focusing on the past again! Rihanna’s Needed Me would come on and I’d want to relate! How could I give my all to a man who couldn’t give it in return? Now the only way I can see him is by viewing Facebook pages or reading Good Girl.
Why did he have to text and call me a few weeks back? Why did we have to argue? It’s not fair that he knows, that I know that he wants the both of us. I wonder if she knows. I’d be ok with it. I know she wouldn’t be! Little did she know she was sharing him for five years. Why doesn’t he want to leave? Why do I still feel so incomplete? Why does he invade my dreams but won’t face our reality?
Communication is hard when you don’t have the right words to form into a sentence. I just want him to listen and understand my frustration. And even if it never happens, I’ll always have paper and a pen at hand. One day soon, someone is gonna listen and get what he and everyone else has been missing!
Been trying to let go of my past.
Hand my heart to God.
These devils won’t free me from the miserable Hell that I’m living.
After recent events in my life, I decided it was time to tell another tale of Dyana. She’s not finished, but she may shock the shit out of you. The way I’ve been carrying my notebook and pen, questioning and foreseeing the future, I still don’t understand why I’m not used to this shit yet. Made other miscellaneous updates as well. Browse around.
Living life is hard at all times. Even more when it comes unexpected. I’m glad I have this as an outlet to control my chaos. People tend to forget that “What happens in the dark, often comes to the light.“