Laugh. It’s this thing I’ve been doing. My nail is broken AGAIN. I cry on the inside. I’m still two seconds away from slapping a bitch. But then I make myself laugh. Real quick. Remember those random phone calls? Every now and again I still get them. I don’t even want to play along anymore. I just laugh and let my eye continue twitching. I know what it is, deep down inside. (Cruella Deville laugh inserted here)
I don’t even know how long it’s been without a cigarette. It’s been months. I think I quit back in April or May? So 5 to 6 months, I have to say is good, after quitting a terrible habit. But I’m good. I am still physically tired as shit. But now I have to carry my dead weight as if the shit doesn’t exist. It hurts but I got shit to do, unfortunately.
Work. I need more! And I mean that shit. “Hit me, baby one more time!” Lol.
Addiction. (heavy sigh) Which one am I really not working on? Because let’s face it, everyone has something they’re addicted to. I’m coming to terms with my issues. It’s only a matter of time before everyone comes into their own. You know, just like how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly or a cucumber into a pickle!? Hehe. Humor me. I’m bored, on a day off, in the freezing fucking cold pits of Hell. Yeah, it’s not always fiery hot in Hell. So I keep writing. I keep my pen and notebook handy. Gee, I sound like Steve. I have a lot of open books that i’m working on too. Just not enough time in a day. The mathematics aren’t always summoned, as I see it. I play with my Maink. Just busy, busy, busy. Have to make more time to make more changes. Because there’s been tons of “changes”. But sometimes, Dyana just can’t get enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paper is so long these days.
I really hate tapping on my laptop.
Smartphones end up in failure.
Life is just dead.
When’s it going to happen?
Just saying what’s on my mind.
life. i just don’t get it
ITS CONFUSING #whyareyousocomplicated #itcanbesoeasy #butyouremakingithard
PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING CONFUSING, OR ANNOYANCE #youdumbcunt
BUILT UP ANGER #mymistake #niggadamn
SO MUCH ON MY MIND
Have I just been wasting even more of my time? #aintthissomeshit?
So I was like, No No No, and 2 MONTHS WENT BY! #consequencesBITCH #sweetlillullabys #thingsarechangingaroundheremate
Because I still visualize art with words somehow in a field of drama ANYWAYS
Make it about me, if you want to.
Your ratchet ain’t better than my ratchet, OKAY!
Prescriptions. I really don’t think it’s the answer.
Jane. Jannnne. #llcj #llcooljaydddde
I swear. It feels pointless.
But I try to stay focused.
I know I’m working with it hear, and here
Visual on the prize.
Visual on the prize.
Visual on the prize.
>>>>>> But I am not a rapper.
>>>i’m just making some noise
>>with the words i got spitting at you
>and i’m just typing on my device
>with just words
>listen i got a little flow
glow in the dark
throwing lame bombs
i’m just bored what
else is there to do
but do what it do
where’s my notebook
and a pen
making beats in my head again just words
i think i’m killin IT
like a clown lol
ok i’m done
*****Shoutout to my best friend Chubbz, because he better be in the lab making me a beat. And this weather is NO JOk3! So bundle up. Becau$e I’m going to be making it $NOW!
Not trying to be funny, sounding like LL Cool J, but it is true. I need love. Why is there so much fake love and real hate out there in the world? Why can’t motherfuckers be honest and real with you? You meet a person and they seem all genuine to your face. But the moment you turn your back, they’re fake as fuck! And I hate that technology gets involved in this fuckery. Texting is the most ignorant way of communicating. Never say what they mean, mean what they say, or use dumbass emojis. I will never know how a smiley face implies as direct conversation or of how you’re truly feeling. Why did it become so complicated for us to have a decent conversation today? When did it become cool to be a habitual liar? A manipulator? A sociopath? This is cool?! This is an abomination, and I want no parts of it. I want for every fuck nigga and punk ass bitch to leave me alone! I want every man to stop begging for my pussy, if you think you’re only going to get one good use of it. Believe me, it’s had EVERY dumb ass coming back, STUCK ON STUPID AS FUCK! Not that I’m broadcasting or anything. But WHAT IN THE FUCK?! There are things that I want and need and with the way the world is working, none of you are right for me. Even as a friend, I want no parts in you. I don’t need to be robbed again, of things that I’ve worked too hard for. I don’t need another knife placed in my heart. Don’t you understand, I’m already a fragile person?! Why make someone hate themselves for being themselves? Don’t kiss me, smile in my face, say & do things to make me think you want to be around, when we both know you don’t. See, my issue is that people think I don’t see the signs and road blocks. I’ve seen them loud and clear and a gazillion times from the bitch or nigga before you. Trust, I am very well caught up! And I have learned my lessons. I’m growing from those lessons. I may still have to shed tears, but these are my tears of the pain and sorrow. And don’t take them as a sign of weakness. Because no, I’m not weak! I’m still a fighter! But I’m fighting in my own way. I’m gaining my old strength back and some new strengths in my process. No one knows my internal exterior, simply because no one has ever been interested. Well one day, someone will be interested. They’re going to want to know all of the whos, whats, whys, whens, wheres, and hows… And hopefully, I will be willing to give them all of those answers. Hopefully, they’ll want me to be an open book, and read between the lines. I hope that they’ll allow me to cry, and not judge a single tear that falls down my cheek. I hope they’ll like every wrinkle in my frown, or how rosy my cheeks get when I crack a smile. Understand that we all have flaws, and that we aren’t perfect, and that we all have a past, but thinks I’m wonderful overall. I want there to be love. Let our souls connect. Our eyes to meet. And our minds to intellect. I want to believe it’s out there. But when all you’ve ever seen is hurt, rage, lies, pain, anger, deception, distraught, and disasters… Can I still believe it’s amongst me?! Is love a real thing? Or is it just another way to make a dollar?