I’m shocked at how things have been turning out. I almost hit the bottom, last week. But then I remembered that I am the shit! I have to remember that I am the shit! I have to have more power in my life. If I allowed everyone to know that they got under my skin, they win. And after watching Laura Govan’s episode of Iylana’s Fix My Life, I’ve learned that instead of wanting to control, I should want to be in charge! Ouuu! Everyone wants control, but don’t want to be in charge! What a fucked up lesson to learn, and on television, eh?! Even though, I knew I was already the head motherfucker in charge, now, I’ve got to prove it. And I’m going to. I finally got myself a new place of employment. *crosses fingers* I have my “relationships” going in the right directions. Yes, no strings or feelings attached. I feel not only a sense of empowerment, but some freedom.
Of course, I do tend to have my setback thoughts and think about that idiot fuckhead. But I’m not going to fall through with my petty impulses. I’m just going to focus on my music, my writing, and my photography. I’m going to focus on the things that interest me. I’m going to stop looking for things that need to come and find me. I’m going to actually start living. I want to live life. Something I never really experienced because I’ve been drowned in utter darkness for so long. But all of that is over. I’m going to free my mind and let the rest follow. *dances to En Vogue*
And If you don’t like the new Cool Jaydddde, guess what, your loss because this Jaydddde is the motherfucking shit and a boss bitch! Watch out for these bad bitches!
What is the point of having good vision when life isn’t clear as day? Judgment. Isolation. Pure evil and Hell! That’s what I’ve seen.
Obsessing Him, reviewing the actions of the petty woman who birthed me, and overcoming my feelings of how I allowed myself to become a complete piece of shit. Your God created me for some completely ignorant reason. What is the lesson here? What is my purpose? Why me? I have, who I am, as a person completely figured out. I don’t need to talk to these people or that person. What is that really doing for me? So I’m talking. Okay, BIG FRICKIN DEAL! But it doesn’t stop me from feeling how I feel. It doesn’t take away what has happened. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to do what I have always felt to be right!
A disease is what The People label it. It’s not okay to feel like that. It’s not normal. Did you ever consider that it is normal for me? Think about it. I’ve been depressed since my teenage years. My first attempt at suicide was when I was thirteen. I overdosed on over-the-counter medication. Yes, cheap medication that you can buy at your local pharmacy. I was even more awkward then. Someone who kept to self and minded my own business. Sure, I had friends but I never talked about it. I tried to suck it up. I smiled and laughed at jokes. Real shit happened. But I still cried every day. I think that I just didn’t want to cry any more. Little luck did that do me! So one day, I raided the medicine cabinet and four days later I wake up in Yale with a pumped stomach and a heavy chest. Of course, I was just a beginner then. It was easy to fool people when they had no clue of who I really was. Lies, are what you suggest. But the doctors are the ones who concluded that my body just overreacted on itself. Woo hoo, I was in the clear to go for it again!
Now we are at many failed attempts. And I still have no sense of purpose. I don’t get the point or memo. Why am I still here? Why are people so quick to judge? Why can’t people have good intentions? You know, do onto others as you would do onto them. Why am I getting out of the blue phone calls instead of the friendly home visits? A real apology. Why do people get jealous and insecure? Why are guys so thirsty to the point that they have to force control upon women? And when men don’t get their way, they are quick to garnish your name all to save face? Why does everyone feel the need to be in control of every single thing? Look at who you idiots elected as your fucking president! This is the dumbest fucking country in all of the world!
How did this become normal to us? How did we allow ourselves to think that the world we live in is okay? It has it’s up and it’s downs but there are far more downs than there are ups and I am disgraced. If our ancestors saw us now, shaking my damn head. I want to use my powers for good. I want to believe we can make it a better place. As of now, I must start with me. Is that Selfish? There are just some things that I’m not okay with anymore. Therefore, certain things and people will be terminated until further notice. I’m doing what the fuck I want. I’m being myself for me. Because I know that overall I won’t be for you. Not that I really would want to.