For some reason the Ghosts of Past Relationships likes to do brief check ups on my current life. All of these ex-boyfriends all of a sudden want to reenter my life. Claim to correct all the wrongs they’ve ever encountered with me. Why has 2017 done this to me? I mean ex-boyfriends from high school, junior high school. If Ali Bell calls me, then I know I’ve got some good kitty kat. Meow. But this is getting ridiculous. I’ve finally decided to commit myself to one person. Yes, someone from the past. But this was someone that I pushed away. It was a long time ago and I was a different person back then. But our relationship is like something I’ve never experienced. I’ve been getting and giving the loyalty that I’ve always wanted. He makes sure that I’ve eaten. He even cuddles up with me on my couch in the cold dark dungeon. He puts a smile on my face. And when I’m a complete bitch to him, he doesn’t want to argue back with me. He leaves me alone when I want him to. But I never want him to. He’s what I’ve always wanted in a boyfriend. But why am I still tempted to fuck it up, of course?! Why is HE still on my mind? Why did I see him back in October in the streets? I fucked around and called my boyfriend Jack Sparrow, being that my ex was Davy Jones. I have daily visions of him coming back again. Only now, I have someone’s heart in my hands. How can I end the cycle of lies and deceit, if the cycle continues to fight in me? How can I still want to be with someone who clearly doesn’t want to fight for me?
How can I still be hungry if I already ate? And yet, I’m still craving a burger from Wendy’s.
Work has been keeping me occupied. But still these exes just won’t stop. There’s Jevon, Lucious, HIM, Rashawn, Baby Grinch, and the list has just gone on and on. I’ve shown bae the texts, he’s not surprised. He knows I’m a good one. But my mind is a challenge, all on it’s own. I been trying to just be Jayde, but Dyana and Delilah know how to work their magic and unleash the devil. Those hoes can’t be stopped. They may never be tamed.
I’m not as depressed as much. I can honestly say I’ve been happier since Bae came back into my life. But I want to keep him private from the world for right now. For some reason, I like the drama of my past coming back. I enjoy making my exes suffer. Giving them the same fiery Hell they caused me way back when. I feel mildly evil. Not Cruela DeVille evil, but just about enough cruelty in prances around in my cerebellum.
Anyways, I know that I’ve been neglecting my blog. I’ve been neglecting my literature. My true peace of mind and clarity. But Bae has been the reason. He’s been motivating me. He’s been nourishing me. We’ve been upgrading each other. But now, I must get back into the things that have been there for me when he was not. I’ve been trying to get this Youtube and portfolio thing really going. But I’ve been overly occupied with shit. I need to motivate myself back into the old shit. And I will soon. Just stay tuned.
Paper is so long these days.
I really hate tapping on my laptop.
Smartphones end up in failure.
Life is just dead.
When’s it going to happen?
Just saying what’s on my mind.
life. i just don’t get it
ITS CONFUSING #whyareyousocomplicated #itcanbesoeasy #butyouremakingithard
PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING CONFUSING, OR ANNOYANCE #youdumbcunt
BUILT UP ANGER #mymistake #niggadamn
SO MUCH ON MY MIND
Have I just been wasting even more of my time? #aintthissomeshit?
So I was like, No No No, and 2 MONTHS WENT BY! #consequencesBITCH #sweetlillullabys #thingsarechangingaroundheremate
Because I still visualize art with words somehow in a field of drama ANYWAYS
Make it about me, if you want to.
Your ratchet ain’t better than my ratchet, OKAY!
Prescriptions. I really don’t think it’s the answer.
Jane. Jannnne. #llcj #llcooljaydddde
I swear. It feels pointless.
But I try to stay focused.
I know I’m working with it hear, and here
Visual on the prize.
Visual on the prize.
Visual on the prize.
>>>>>> But I am not a rapper.
>>>i’m just making some noise
>>with the words i got spitting at you
>and i’m just typing on my device
>with just words
>listen i got a little flow
glow in the dark
throwing lame bombs
i’m just bored what
else is there to do
but do what it do
where’s my notebook
and a pen
making beats in my head again just words
i think i’m killin IT
like a clown lol
ok i’m done
*****Shoutout to my best friend Chubbz, because he better be in the lab making me a beat. And this weather is NO JOk3! So bundle up. Becau$e I’m going to be making it $NOW!
I’m not hallucinating and I’m not paranoid. Yes, i smoke a little weed here and there. But I’m not imagining the things i see and hear going on. Right in front of me! I know that I’m not stupid and i know when i am in an awkward situation. I know when the focus has turned to me and i know when I’m not wanted or welcomed.
I know that Saturday, i went to a family BBQ and the attention was focused on me for some reason. It was to celebrate my cousin’s graduation and the other’s birthday. I know that complete strangers were talking shit about me, right in front of me. And i said not a word. I didn’t want to make a scene. I know what i saw and what i heard!
I know that my ex tried to set me up with some chicken shit broad to get me fucked up in West Haven two yrs ago. I know what i saw and heard and what the fuck happened. How did complete strangers know i was going to be on Campbell Ave to set me up to get ambushed by complete nobodies. I swear, i know what i saw and i know what the fuck happened. I was there.
I know that i got robbed last summer as a fucking set up. By who? I have no clue but i will be seeking my revenge on the parties involved.
I know that back in April, HE called me after going over a year of not communicating with me. He said it was to apologize but i know better than to play fuck boy shit. I had a dream of him, right before he placed that phone call and those texts. I know why he really called. I’m not stupid. I know that HE was parked outside my house one night in a gold car. I know that he sent some fat ugly white bumafuck bitch, walk into my job, to have me pressed! And I still acted like a lady and said not one word, nor made a scene, unless I FELT IT WAS NECESSARY to do so! I know what i have seen and what i have heard. I know what has happened right in front of my face.
I’m kind of all over the place. But I know what has been cleared! So why does my life have to be the deadly example? What did i ever do to anyone, to make them have to remind me, that they are all better than me? Who the hell made you almighty God and wonderful, that it’s ok to put me down? If you don’t want me around, do me a favor and put the bullet in my brain. I’m sorry that i don’t have the guts to pull the trigger on my own self!
Not trying to be funny, sounding like LL Cool J, but it is true. I need love. Why is there so much fake love and real hate out there in the world? Why can’t motherfuckers be honest and real with you? You meet a person and they seem all genuine to your face. But the moment you turn your back, they’re fake as fuck! And I hate that technology gets involved in this fuckery. Texting is the most ignorant way of communicating. Never say what they mean, mean what they say, or use dumbass emojis. I will never know how a smiley face implies as direct conversation or of how you’re truly feeling. Why did it become so complicated for us to have a decent conversation today? When did it become cool to be a habitual liar? A manipulator? A sociopath? This is cool?! This is an abomination, and I want no parts of it. I want for every fuck nigga and punk ass bitch to leave me alone! I want every man to stop begging for my pussy, if you think you’re only going to get one good use of it. Believe me, it’s had EVERY dumb ass coming back, STUCK ON STUPID AS FUCK! Not that I’m broadcasting or anything. But WHAT IN THE FUCK?! There are things that I want and need and with the way the world is working, none of you are right for me. Even as a friend, I want no parts in you. I don’t need to be robbed again, of things that I’ve worked too hard for. I don’t need another knife placed in my heart. Don’t you understand, I’m already a fragile person?! Why make someone hate themselves for being themselves? Don’t kiss me, smile in my face, say & do things to make me think you want to be around, when we both know you don’t. See, my issue is that people think I don’t see the signs and road blocks. I’ve seen them loud and clear and a gazillion times from the bitch or nigga before you. Trust, I am very well caught up! And I have learned my lessons. I’m growing from those lessons. I may still have to shed tears, but these are my tears of the pain and sorrow. And don’t take them as a sign of weakness. Because no, I’m not weak! I’m still a fighter! But I’m fighting in my own way. I’m gaining my old strength back and some new strengths in my process. No one knows my internal exterior, simply because no one has ever been interested. Well one day, someone will be interested. They’re going to want to know all of the whos, whats, whys, whens, wheres, and hows… And hopefully, I will be willing to give them all of those answers. Hopefully, they’ll want me to be an open book, and read between the lines. I hope that they’ll allow me to cry, and not judge a single tear that falls down my cheek. I hope they’ll like every wrinkle in my frown, or how rosy my cheeks get when I crack a smile. Understand that we all have flaws, and that we aren’t perfect, and that we all have a past, but thinks I’m wonderful overall. I want there to be love. Let our souls connect. Our eyes to meet. And our minds to intellect. I want to believe it’s out there. But when all you’ve ever seen is hurt, rage, lies, pain, anger, deception, distraught, and disasters… Can I still believe it’s amongst me?! Is love a real thing? Or is it just another way to make a dollar?